Victims often don't think of themselves as battered or abused. They see things subjectively, perhaps preferring not to believe that the things their partner does to them constitutes abuse. The realisation, sometimes from an independent, objective viewpoint will often be difficult to understand and accept. Try to look at your relationship objectively, and answer the following questions honestly to judge whether you are being, or have been abused:

Has your partner (or a member of your family) ever:

• Hit, kicked, pushed, grabbed, choked, bitten, burnt or slapped you?


• Used some kind of weapon against you?


• Caused bruises by hitting, squeezing or holding you?


• Threatened to hurt or kill you?


• Threatened to hurt or kill your children?


• Threatened to hurt or kill your family or friends?


• Threatened to harm or kill him/herself?


• Withheld money from you?


• Withheld food or medication from you?


• Not allowed you to leave the house, or withheld transportation from you?


• Humiliated you?


• Called you names and made you feel ashamed of yourself?


• Put you down in front of your children, family, friends, boss or colleagues?


• Forced you to have sex or perform sexual acts when you did not want to?


• Forced you to perform sexual acts you did not want to do?


• Broken or destroyed your possessions?


• Made you afraid of him/her?


• Been excessively possessive or jealous?

Do you try to excuse or rationalise the abuser's behaviour with thoughts like:

• It won't happen again - this was just a one off because he/she's tired / stressed / upset


• It's not his/her fault


• He/she can't help it (perhaps the abuser blames his/her behaviour on past trauma, a bad childhood etc - this does not excuse violence or abuse)


• If I had behaved differently he/she wouldn't have done it


• He/she might harm or kill him/herself if I leave


• It wasn't that bad


• I can cope


• The children would / do miss him/her


• I haven't tried hard enough


• I should give him/her another chance


• It's my fault.